"No, you look at me now." She turned his head so she could speak to his eyes. "Tim, I love you now and will love you always. I mean that. I am a faithful person, and I can honestly say that nothing will ever come before my love for you."
Tim returned her gaze, and was glad she could not see the thoughts in his head. How Cathy say such things? Hadn't he just confessed to her about his heroin addiction and rehabilitation, all those times he'd rather forget? Could it be, just possibly, that she was .. telling the truth? Tim pondered for a bit. He had never really been able to trust anyone as Cathy was asking him to trust her right now.
Tim knew what he had been getting into when he was fifteen. He had seen the Just Say No ads on TV. But he had been in control, so he thought. Tim gambled. And he lost. But he was no longer a loser, and hated the shame of feeling out of control. Sitting next to Cathy on his couch, in his apartment, in his hometown, Tim felt in control again .. almost. Having control had come to mean accepting nothing from anyone, so he would never again be in debt. But what if, in doing so, Tim was rejecting the most precious gift of all? The people at rehab had taken a gamble on Tim and reached out with their love, and that love had made all the difference in the world concerning his happiness. How could he refuse this woman now who freely accepted him in spite of his faults? Tim came to a decision. He would trust Cathy.
This was the hardest letter Tim had ever written. He knew he only had one shot at this, and goodbye letters don't have postscripts. What could he possibly say? He hadn't heard from Cathy in almost a week. "Space," she had said. "We must have some space."
Tim tapped his pen nervously on his desk. "Why must women be so confusing?" he said aloud. "If she wanted to say goodbye, she should have just said it a long time ago. I can't deal with this anymore." Over the course of the past few months, communication with Cathy had become less and less frequent, for no apparent reason. Tim had questioned her about it, but it seemed she almost shrugged his concerns off. Apparently the problem was all in Tim's head. But that didn't make it any less real, and neither did this week of silence. This time the silence would not be broken by his phone call.
Confusion reigned inside Tim's mind. Space, silence, love, friendship, communication .. everything had been going so well, so what had happened? As far as he knew, he hadn't caused the problem. But she wouldn't tell him for sure. He never should have trusted her. How stupid! Everyone else had let Time down; why would Cathy have been any different?
He should have listened. "I will always love you," she had said. He had wanted so badly to believe her. But in reality, he knew she had no control over tomorrow. How could she predict how she would feel ten years down the road? Or next month, for that matter? And yet she had promised her love and committed herself beyond what she could provide. Life has its way of breaking commitments. Tim reminded himself that he should never trust anyone who uses the word 'always'. That is a dangerous word, he thought. He gripped his pen and began again to write.
"Listen, Tim, I know you're better than that. C'mon, you really should tell your boss about the money," Kayla pleaded. "Please, I'm asking you as a friend."
"How do you know I'm better than that, huh? You don't even know me. What makes me so special that you even bother? Look, I'd like to be alone."
"I know," Kayla paused. "You know I believe in God, and that He created you special."
"Oh Jesus, not this again. Next you say that God loves me and I just need to believe and if I have faith in .."
"Wait!" Kayla interrupted. "Forget about all that believing stuff. Go back to the first thing you said. God loves you. I know I've said it to you a million times and it just sounds like a cliche. But, Tim, did you ever consider, just for a second .. it might be true? I could tell you I love youu or anyone can just say the words and then walk out the door. But I'm not arrogant enough to believe my Christian love in any way fulfills your life."
Tim rolled his eyes a bit, but kept listening. He found himself actually a bit interested in what she was saying.
"But God's love is great, and it does not change. No matter what anyone thinks of you, He loves you now and always will. And He thinks you are someone special." Kayla stopped. Her eyes were slightly glazed. Tim could tell she really believed what she was saying, but he wasn't quite so sure. Always, she had said. He just couldn't trust anyone who used that word. That word which asked him to relinquish control. Cathy had reinforced that lesson two years ago.
"Anyway," Kayla continued, "I guess that's what I wanted to say. I'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't even be here." She turned from him and began to step quickly toward the door.
"No," Tim interjected. Kayla took another step before looking back at him. Half a smile crept onto his face as he regarded her sincere eyes. He paused for a moment, choosing his words. "Thank you," he finally said.