'True' Tech Illiteracy Stories #7 


One of my internet students (a doctor in medicine) asked about an ftp
class. I said, "the ftp service is like a public library." He was
worried because he couldn't return the files he downloaded using an
ftp service. He was trying to give back the files he 'borrowed'!


A customer wondered if we had WordPerfect for the Gameboy. I
said, "No, but I'll call you when it comes in." Sometimes it's
better to go along and not ask any questions. :)


A man was looking at various computer systems. After telling him that
the model he was looking at had a fax/modem, he twisted and turned
looking at the computer from all angles with a perplexed expression. He
then asked me, "Where do you feed the paper in?"


A lady wanted to send in her husband's calculator to be "overhauled".
When I asked her what was wrong with it, she replied, "Nothing, it
works fine, he just wanted to get it looked at and have some upkeep
maintenance done on it." I guess he wanted the 10,000 calculation tune-up.


Him: "Yeah- I got that there version 3.1 of your program and it don't
 run on my Macintosh 7500."
Me: "Yes sir. That is correct. 3.1 is not compatible with the PCI
 Power PC Macs. You need version 5.0 or later."
Him: "Yep- I got me one of them version 5's too! It runs fine! Right
 quick too!"
Me: "Well sir, you have the upgrade, what's the problem?"
Him: "Well, I just want to know when you're gonna make the 3.1
 version run on Power PCs, 'cuz we've been using the 3.1 version years
 more than the 5.0 and we like it just fine."


Cust: "My radio is broken!"
"Have you checked the batteries?"
"Yes. I'm positive they're fine."
As part of what I was trained to do, I had to check the batteries anyway.
This made the customer rather irate, but I simply informed them that it was
procedure to check the batteries. I check the batteries and they are deader
than a door! And I politely point out that the batteries are, in fact, dead.
Upon replacing them, I show them that it was the battery problem. And their
response: "But the package says that they are good until 1998!"


Me: What can I help you with?
Cust: I'm having trouble with file transfers. I've read the manual,
 but nothing seems to be working.
We check the procedure the customer was using. Everything was fine. Check
 the user's settings. Fine. I asked, "Have you had any other problems
 connecting with this system?"
Cust: "Connecting?"
Me: Other than trying to transfer a file to this system, do you have
 any other problems after connecting to the remote system?
Cust: I just start your program and tried to transmit the file. You
 mean I have to call the other system first? How do I do that?


THEM: I just installed your fax software and I lost the manual.
ME: It's on the MicroPhone LT disk.
THEM: Oh, well, that disk is locked away and I can't find it right now.
 (pause) It doesn't seem to be on the AOL disk.
ME: No, it's on the Microphone LT disk.
THEM: I can't find the manual anywhere.
ME: Yes, it is not a printed manual. It is a file on the Microphone LT
 floppy disk.
THEM (to someone else): Can you get me the key to... (long pause)
 OH! It's on the Microphone LT disk!
ME: Yes.
THEM: Thank you. You've been very helpful.
ME: (Does Snapple offer a HEMLOCK variety...)


Last night, I had a woman on the phone who was trying to get her Mac's DOS
card to see more memory. Not only did she change her story 10 times, but she
kept restarting the Mac, over and over. I would say, "Let's change this
option in PC Setup now, ok?" BONG! "Ma'am, why did you restart your Mac?"
"I wanted the changes to take effect." "Please don't restart until I ask you
to, ok?" "Ok." Anyway, we'd go back into the PC Setup, change something, and
then, inevitably, BONG! I got so pissed off, I finally said to her, "Ma'am,
you shouldn't restart so much, you're going to burn out your restarting coil,
and that's not covered under Apple's warranty." She got so scared, she didn't
ever want to restart her Mac again. She even told me, "Thank you so much
for telling me that, I don't want to burn out my coil."


A lab aide noticed a woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with
her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15
minutes, he noticed that she was still there, only now she was impatiently
tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,
"It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over 20 minutes ago!"


There were several employees complaining about having a screen that
showed green lettering when they wanted amber screens. One employee
got mad at me because the manager told her that to change
the screen color, all we had to do was put an 'orange fuse' in.


"I just called about half-an-hour ago and the person I talked to
said he'd mail me a new disk with new software on it. Where is it?
I'm still waiting for it!"


A tech was trying to determine what kind of modem a customer had because the
connection with his modem wasn't very reliable. In a terminal program, he had
the member type ATI3 (which usually gives some indication of the modem's
manufacturer or speed). And the tech asked, "What does it say now?" The member
responded with, "AT&T Data/fax modem 14.....Wait a minute I see the
problem right here, I use MCI, not AT&T."


The graphic artist at the company I recently joined had been using a
Mac for about 3 years. Aware that I knew a lot about computers, he
came to me with his questions. He couldn't understand why, after he scanned
a graphic and placed it in the folder holding Adobe Illustrator,
the graphic didn't automatically become an Illustrator file.


"Thank you for calling America Online. How can I help you today?"
"I'd like to upgrade my tickets to first class from coach."
"I think you are looking for American Airlines!"
After a 20 minute hold in a telephone system that repeatedly asks about
computers and modems and connectivity, you'd think he would have caught on.


When I was setting up a service call with Apple computer, the woman was
getting my info. She asked if I had another way of being reached other than
by the phone number I gave her. I said that I could be reached by e-mail.
She asked for my address. I gave it to her. Then, she wanted the phone # for
my e-mail address. Instills confidence, doesn't it?


User: I'm having a problem with my modem account.
Tech: Okay, tell me exactly the part you are having problem with.
User: Well, I think you need to give me an account.
Tech: What kind of account do you need? E-mail, Unix, or Novell?
User: I need a carrier account.
Tech: What do you mean a carrier account?
User: When I try to dial in, it tells me "no carrier."


One woman bought a modem for her Mac IIsi. She called and wanted to
know how to use it to do virtual reality.


Last week, I installed a computer for a co-worker. It was the very first
computer she had ever used. She called me early the next morning. She
said her monitor was fuzzy looking and wanted to know if she needed to
buy an antenna for it. I told her, no, it was cable ready. :-)


I delivered and setup a PC in an office, gave some training, and
agreed to follow up a week later. When I returned, the monitor was
off the top of the PC and a typewriter in its place. The secretary
felt the PC made a better typewriter stand than her desk.


From Usenet: (1) New to the net, I would like to send a message to
somebody I know in England. I know his E-mail address, but it seems to
be incomplete or erroneous: it's "Joshua 24:15B". Does it mean something
to anybody? (2) That's not an email address! It's a Bible verse!


One day a gentleman called who had never had a computer before. He was
trying to set up his new system. I tried and I tried but I just couldn't
make him understand where to plug the cables in. Finally I looked up the
details on his order. He had ordered top of the line everything - Monitor,
Keyboard, Printer, Modem, Scanner, speakers, CD-ROM drive, external hard
drive....except - he had not ordered the COMPUTER itself. No wonder the
cables would not plug in anywhere!


User sees a suitcase called "System" which took up lots of space but had
only a few things in it, so they moved out the fonts and sounds and threw
the file away.


While on the phone to a customer regarding a problem with a LaserWriter, I
finally managed to work out that she had the printer cable in the Comms port
instead of the printer port. I asked her to remove the cable from the phone
port and place it in the printer port. Mere seconds later the phone line
went dead...


My inlaws just got internet access and were excited at being able to use
the Web and email. They asked us to send them some email. We did this and
waited for a reply. Several days later, we rang them up as no reply had come.
"Did you send it? We haven't got it yet. Send another one," they said.
So we waited a few more days as our own ISP had had some mail
troubles. When we rang the next time, they still hadn't seen the
email, and I thought perhaps their mail program had done some filing
without telling them. When I asked them what program they were using,
things became clearer..."I don't know", was the answer. "So how do you
send email?" "I don't know." "What about your dial-up program, what
program do you use to dial to your service provider?" "Oh we haven't
had time to do that yet." Looks like I've got something to do when we visit!


 ___  __  __  ___    __    _  _  _  _  ____
/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
\__ \ )(__)(  / /  /(__)\  )  (  )  (  )__)  
(___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/