'True' Tech Illiteracy Stories #3 


I sell PCs. I've recently had three separate customers come in. One
wanted a Pendulum, one a Pendium, one a Pentalum. One day a guy called;
he'd just bought a computer and after having trouble getting his printer
to work, he knew just what the problem was. "I need a pigtail to connect
the printer to the brain."


We were having some trouble with a LaserJet printer. Streaks running along
the sides of the paper. We called the official agency help line. Their
response was, "you need to replace the ribbon." I reiterated that it
is a laserjet. They replied, "So?"


Got a call today from a gentleman who was upset because ABC's "This
 Week with David Brinkley" show had run long, causing the first 20
 minutes of a sporting event to be pre-empted, and he had seen
 AOL's blurb at the end of the show.
Tech: "Well, sir, ABC News does have an area on AOL but we're not
 affiliated with them...I'm not sure I understand, why did you call
 us instead of ABC?"
Cust: "Well, things like this sure don't make AOL look good!"


I had a customer who had been trying to put his CD in his computer.
He could not figure it out, so he opened his system and was trying to put
it in a card slot...I spent 10 minutes explaining what his disk drive
was and that he did not, in fact, have a CD-ROM...I sent a disk to him
...explained how it goes in the system...I mean that literally.


Cust: When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions
 and then it kicks me off.
Tech: What were the questions that it asked you?
Cust: I don't remember.
Tech: Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know
 what the problem is and I can't help you.
Cust: So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing
 the questions again?
Tech: Yes.
Cust: Can't I just keep you on while I call?
Tech: Is your modem on another line?
Cust: No, same line.
Tech: Well, sir, you can't do it..kinda like someone picking up
 the phone now and dialing while we are talking.
Cust: Can I at least try?
(He tried...TWICE!) *slamming my head on the desk*


Tech: No, ma'am, I can not see you in front of your computer...now if
you could step in front of the TV... ;)


What certain internet service techs would like to say:
 Actually, ma'am, you're absolutely right! We really *do* keep track
of every movement you make. From the moment you tear the plastic wrap
off that disk, our intelligence officers keep you under surveillance.
Hence, we know exactly when you delete our software and immediately
cancel your account for you at that time. Now *that's* service!


Heavy, throaty, not real-educated-or-bright voice from NY asks
 me if the..."new tape, ya know, the plasticy thingie I got in the
 mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota?"
Tech: No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is
 installed onto your hard drive.
Cust: But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square.
Tech: Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it
 into the disk drive to use it...
Cust: Look, lady, I'm not stupid...this isn't soft..and I don't
 appreciate you making fun of me. (hangs up)


Cust: If I want somebody to send a reply to my e-mail, should I
 include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it?


Cust: Look, look! Look what it's doing! Can you BELIEVE
 this?! Why is it doing that?!
Tech: (keeps saying: ) Sir, I can't see your computer; what is
 it doing?
Cust: (keeps saying: ) WHAT?? Can't you figure it out??
 LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!! You can see it, can't you?!


Cust: Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a
 computer...I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me.
Tech: (incredulously) Is that the only reason you're calling, sir?
Cust: Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people,
 sending me this disk. I really appreciate it!


Cust: Yes, I just want to know how to return this disk to you people.
Tech: Ma'am, the software is free. You can throw it out, give
 it to a friend, whatever you want.
Cust: But my nephew received this in the mail and I don't want him
 to be billed for it. Can I get credited for this?
Tech: We don't bill you until you actually install the software and
 register as a user.
Cust: Can you get me credited for this?
Tech: Ma'am, we have not billed you for anything.
At this point, they insisted on being transferred to someone who
 could credit her!


Cust: I got a disk in the mail, and I don't have a computer. What
 do I do with it?
Tech: Well, you could give it to a friend.
Cust: (apparently annoyed) And how do I do *that*?
Tech: Just give it to a friend who might want to try our service.
Cust: Can I speak to a supervisor?
Tech: (couldn't help it) Why??
Cust: (exhibiting evidence of PMS now) *Because* I wanna speak to a
 supervisor.
So she was transferred and the tech listened in a while. The customer
 said that she didn't like the tech's answer to her question. For
 some reason known to her and her alone, suggesting that you give a
 disk to a friend is unprofessional.


Cust: (suddenly seeing the light) "OH! You mean I need a modem
 *and* a computer to get on the internet?"


Got a call from some old lady today...She wanted to know if she was
going to be charged something for getting one of our disks in the mail.
I told her it was a free mailout. Then she says, "We don't even have
a computer! You know, it's really not a good idea to be sending people
these things in the mail when they didn't ask for them. That's pretty
rude." I said, "Well, most people don't seem to mind." She hung up on
me. Obviously this lady never took a marketing class in college...IF
she went to college. Now I wish I had thought to say to her,
"Ma'am, that's called 'advertising'."


Actually had a lady call up today asking if our software would run on a
Commodore 64! (Anyone still remember those relics?) She said, "I guess I
need to get a more updated computer". I replied, "Oh, yes." (This lady
either believes in being REAL thrifty or she's poor). Then she asked me,
"What is Windows?" I almost broke out laughing. I suggested she
go to an electronics store for more info on getting a computer that
wasn't the cyber equivalent of rocks and sticks.


Asked caller for a reason for cancelling. Told me he just moved and
the phone jack in his new house is too far away from the computer.


Cust: You sent me this disk, are you gonna send me a computer
 so I can run this?


I had a man on the phone who could not install. Now after looking
everywhere for this error message I called RST (three times might
I add). The gentleman looked and asked "should I put the
disk in now?" Hello! If that is not in the instructions...


Lady calls claiming to be a new member. Nothing under the screen
name she gave, nada under phone num...zilch under her name...I
resorted to the credit card num...nothing. I asked how long
she'd been a member, she said a few days. Finally, I asked her if
she's SURE it was AMERICA ONLINE she signed up for, and she said,
"yeah...well, it's called E-World on my computer, though."


A guy called me the other day and only had one question...
"What is cybersex?" As if that wasn't a shocker in itself, he
wanted to know where he could get cybersex.
Do you think people call AT&T to find out what phone sex is?


Cust: I got one o' these here disks of yours. Is this one a those
 new home security systems, that all I have to do is put it here
 in my winda and it'll scare away burglars?
Tech: No, sir, this is for a computer. Do you own a computer?
Cust: Well, hell, what do I need with a computer? I just got me
 one o' them 45-inch big screen TV's. I don't need no computer!


Tech: What's your screen name?
Cust: Uh...jai pee gee aie semicolon see arr tee and the tee is underlined.
Tech: HUH?


Cust: I just got your software in the mail...when are you sending
 the computer?
Tech: You don't have a computer?
Cust: Nope. But I have the software, just send me the computer and
 you've got a new member.


Cust: I get "receive no carrier from modem".
Tech: Where is that music coming from? Sounds like I am on hold.
Cust: From my phone line.
Tech: There is your problem. You have line noise. You have your
 radio station coming through your phone line.
Cust: OK. I will try and log on when the station goes off the air.


Can you believe it...someone wanted to know how to get to the
internet through a Brothers Word Processor with Windows 95 and a
 Boca 2400 Modem!
Tech: Does it have a hard drive?
Cust: What's that?


We here at AOL know instantly when, if, and how you erased it from
your hard drive so we could stop billing you. Duh, which way
did he go, George, which way did he go?


Man: "I'm trying to send e-mail to my daughter and she's not
 receiving it."
Tech: "Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?"
Man: "I don't know... she doesn't even have a computer...can't I send
 it to her post office?"


Cust: Yes, I just got this disk in the mail for ten hours. Does
 it give me e-mail?
Tech: Yes, ma'am, it does.
Cust: Well, can I have my answering machine hooked up so that I
 can just check my e-mail from my answering machine?
Tech: Well, no, ma'am, it does not work that way.
Cust: Now, you listen, young man, there is no reason for you to get
 smart with me!
Tech: No, ma'am, I understand. I was just trying to explain to you
 how it works.
Cust: Well, you have to understand in my day this stuff did not
 even exist.


 ___  __  __  ___    __    _  _  _  _  ____
/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
\__ \ )(__)(  / /  /(__)\  )  (  )  (  )__)  
(___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/