'True' Tech Illiteracy Stories #1 


I saw an magazine ad (really) for a computer training school. In the
picture, a young woman was holding a mouse and clicking it in front
of the monitor, like a TV remote.


A guy called and said, "My computer blew up!" But, really,
he just saw the 'starfield' screensaver!


When one person wanted to use the mouse, they picked it up,
pointed it at the screen and clicked it like a remote control.


A friend took his brand new fax machine back to the shop several times
because it wasn't working properly. He explained that when he set it up,
he asked me to fax him something, but all he got was a blank sheet. It
was a while before I told him that a blank sheet was EXACTLY what I had
been faxing him. :-)


I was in the Univ. of Crete and a senior student asked me to move my disks
because they were close to her disks and they might catch a virus.


This old lady called and told me that she received our disk and said
 that she's afraid of it.
Tech: Well, ma'am, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's for your computer.
Cust: Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say "install and run".
 I'm too old to run.
Tech: Ma'am I can insure you that you are ok.
Cust: Ok. Should I call the police?
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away.
Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it
 clicks. What is that?
Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, ok?
Cust: But is this a bomb?
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away.
Cust: Now?
Tech: Yes, if you like.
Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day.


This one guy wanted to use WordPerfect, and asked for help. His
disk wouldn't go in. It turns out that he was trying to put a
3 1/2" disk in a 5 1/4" drive! This is actually common, so I
just showed him how to put it in correctly. The next day, he came
and got me. He was having the same problem. Over the next few
days, he had this *same* problem several times...he just couldn't
figure it out...and this was a *graduate* student!

An elderly man had a similar problem with trying to put the
disk in the wrong drive. BUT, at the time he had the problem, he
was applying for a job as a *computer lab aide*, and he had previously
worked for America Online! This same guy couldn't figure out how
to use a mouse, either.


I was tutoring one woman on using WordPerfect 5.1. She was very
impatient, and would keep pressing keys until the computer completely
locked up. Then, she'd reboot the computer and proceed to lock up the
computer *again*, even though I'd specifically tell her to NOT press
ANY keys. She'd do this at least 3 times every hour that I tutored her,
even after weeks of tutoring. VERY frustrating!


Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and said to a secretary, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, he took his last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


Cust: I keep getting a message saying 'Drive C Full'.
Tech: Have you checked to see if Drive C is Full?
Cust: No, do you think I should?


Cust: I want to return this computer.
Me: Sure, is it defective?
Cust: No...when I took it home and turned it on, it was only half programmed.
Me: What do you mean by half programmed?
Cust: Well, look at that computer on display. (points at a Win95 desktop)
 Do you see how all the programs are on the left of the computer?
 (He means all the icons are left shifted on the screen.)
Me: Well, you are right sir, I will take your computer back.
 (I decided the moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer.)


This induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached.
He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway
rolling back and forth.


Back in the days before pre-loaded software, a guy bought a computer
and received training from the computer store that sold it to him. The
instructor made it clear that to use a new disk, you have to format
it first. Well, this guy went back home, and proceeded to format
all of his program disks since they were new and he wanted to use them.
Needless to say, he had a *problem*.


Once, someone came in with a 3.5" disk and said, "Can you copy the
internet for me on this disk?"


One of my coworkers asked me, "If I had a color monitor, would my
printer print in color?"


I was teaching Excel and I kept telling the class that they needed
to have their pointer on the cell and then click the mouse button
to select it. One lady was having a terrible time until I noticed
she was literally pointing with her FINGER, and clicking the mouse.


Had a woman call and ask if we also taught "Don'ts" in the "Dos" class,
and she was dead serious.


A friend had to go over to a bank and set everyone's software up.
Since all the internet software his company supports runs under
MS Windows, he asked the manager "Do you have Windows?" The manager
stared at him blankly and said, "No, we've got air conditioning."


This happened about 10 years ago to my father who was the manager of a
company's publications department. A couple of data-entry clerks were
instructed to do a large amount of word processing for an urgent
project. By the end of the day, the work had been completed and the
clerks saved the files to 5.25" disks. To make certain that the
manager would find the disks, they neatly clipped them to the
source documents using their magnetic clipboards.


There was a fellow who set his type color to black, just after
setting the background color to black. Took him a couple days
of blind typing to get things back again.


Tech: Sir, I need you to click ONCE on your America Online icon.
User: Ok...clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka
 Uh, 'invalid path'.
Tech: Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me?
User: clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka
 Icon still says 'invalid path'.
Tech: Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME on the America
 Online icon.
User: Uh, just one time?
Tech: YES.
User: Ok.


This old man (probably around 75) was trying to figure out how to work
the new computers that the library had installed. He asked me to help
him, so I went over and told him he had to use the mouse to move around
the screen. After he got through laughing because it is called a mouse,
he asked how it works, and I told him, but instead of rolling it on the
mouse pad, he picked it up and started rubbing it on the screen.


One guy couldn't get his fax to work. He was trying to hold a paper
up to the screen and hit enter!


One tech told a lady to insert a clean disk into the drive. She washed
it first.


One man (PhD in heavy engineering!) got the message, "Bad sectors on disk",
and cleaned the disk up. With *glasspaper*.


I caught the end of one of those cable TV internet programs. In the
last five minutes, the host said, "Every week we get thousands of
pieces of e-mail asking, 'How do I get online?'" Neat trick.


One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen, all the
while clicking madly.


A customer was perplexed by an error that would appear every time he tried to
print. The computer would say, "Looking for LaserWriter" and after a while,
"Can't find LaserWriter." His solution? He turned the Mac so that the screen
faced the printer.


A new tech was sent to install a video card. The tech called in: "I have the
monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card."


There was a new computer user who was religious about backing up his
hard disk to floppies once a week and labeling them carefully so he
knew exactly what they contained. To make them readily available, he
kept them in plain sight on the metal file cabinet next to his desk...
with magnets.


I gave a disk to a secretary so that she could make copies for some
students. She wrote down the instructions on a memo, then PAPER CLIPPED
IT TO THE FLOPPY! It was a 5 1/4" floppy, and became creased and useless.


I installed a simple peer to peer network for a client with 2 PCs
and a printer. Everything was fine for a while when I got a panic call:
User: Help me, I can't print or read so-and-so's files anymore.
Tech: Can she print and access the files?
User: No, she's not here today.
Tech: Go to her PC and try to print the file.
User: Ok, but I'm kinda busy and it takes so long for her PC to boot up
 when I turn it on!
Tech: You mean you're trying to print to a printer hooked to her PC and
 access files on her computer and it's not turned on?!
User: It's not on; does it have to be?


One man had a 120 meg tape backup go bad. He returned it and got a new
one. He was mad because his tapes didn't fit in the new drive. I finally
got him calmed down and had him describe the drive. I apologized
several times, informed him it was all our mistake, and told him that he
could return the drive and we would even pay the postage. In fact, we
would send out the correct drive before we even received the one he was
sending us. (I didn't tell him this, but we would do almost ANYTHING to
get the 2.4 GIG 8mm drive back and send him the 120 meg one he should have
gotten in the first place!)


 ___  __  __  ___    __    _  _  _  _  ____
/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
\__ \ )(__)(  / /  /(__)\  )  (  )  (  )__)  
(___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/