Fictional Computer Illiteracy Stories 



What if people treated cars like computers?
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't treat cars like they do 
computers. But, imagine if they did....


 
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
      and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
      know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
 

 
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
      and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
      pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
      some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
      the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
      I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
      comes with everything built in!"


 
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
      all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
      it crashed and it won't start now!" 
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
      do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me the latest version that doesn't 
      crash any more!"


 
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
      because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
      power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
      in my car!"





Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his
success.  He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft
against General Motors.  This is the press release he approved:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology
over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32
instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles
per hour (160,000 km/hr).  Or, you could have an economy car that
weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a
gallon of gas.  In either case, the sticker price of a new car
would be less than $50.

GM read the release and issued a brief response:

"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes
four times a day?"


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/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
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