Blonde's Revenge Jokes
 (not just a canonical list)

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this
 very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I'd be king.'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of
 men; the other 999 follow women. (Groucho Marx)

Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

Who needs a husband?
 My dog growls at me every morning,
my parrot swears all afternoon,
my fireplace smokes a lot,
my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and
I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

What's the most useful part of a man?
His wallet.

How can you tell that God is a woman?
If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.

What is a man's worst nightmare?
 (a) the Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
 (b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
 (c) a female boss,
 (d) he has to ask his wife for money.

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know,
you're really a lousy lover.' The husband replies, 'How can you
tell after only 30 seconds?'

Where is the best place in a bookstore to find a man who is handsome,
 a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

Why don't men have PMS?
What would be the point, they act like that all the time.

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're
 aiming too high.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.

Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.

Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
 types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick
 of him.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
 about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband
 to do.

If you want a nice man, go for a bald one - they try harder.

I used to go for older men because they're more mature. Then, I
 realized, men don't mature. Go for a young one.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
 unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can
 tell them apart.

Definition of a man with manners: he gets out of the bath to pee.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
 usually find that he is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
 five men - a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong,
 caring, loving - they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
 "don't" and "stop".

Why do men have such big nostrils?
Look at the size of their fingers.

Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
 and then marry him.

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain? A widower.

If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send them all?

What's an orgasm, Mom? I don't know. Ask your father.

If you catch a man...throw him back.

Men call us birds; is that because of all the worms we pick up?

What is the useless bit of skin of a penis? A man.

Windows are male, because you can see through them, and because
 they're a pane.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

If men got pregnant, psychiatric services and serious pain killers
would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How can you tell if a man is excited?
He's breathing.

What is the one thing that all men in a singles bar have in common?
They're all married.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

Woman: Why are men such dogs?
Man: My dog resents that. Dogs are...loyal...affectionate...
 obedient...and faithful!

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the difference between Government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psycho-analysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What did God say after He created man?
"I can do better."

What did God say when he created Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
They cook/we eat; they clean/we dirty; they iron/we wrinkle.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What is the difference between pigs and men?
When pigs get drunk, they don't act like men.

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

What's the difference between a circus and a single's bar?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women? When the
psychiatrist tries to take him back to his childhood, he is already there.

Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
Because they should be.

What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
Move the TV into the bedroom.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
 Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a sensitive man with half a brain? Gifted.

What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their
necks in cement? More cement.

What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.

What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex?
How was I?

What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
Unzipping his fly.

What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.

Why do most women fake orgasm?
Because most men fake foreplay.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
I could have done that.

Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.

What's the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were
originally intended for children but it's men who play with them.

Married women consider a husband who falls asleep immediately after sex
a good lover. A mediocre one falls asleep during.

Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.

Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three
lovemaking positions have to be rated an imaginative lover.

Why won't a man make a commitment? He's afraid he'd have to share his
beer and pretzels.

Did you hear about the man that was so dumb that he thought the purpose
of an erection was to get rid of the wrinkles in his penis?

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Single.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex? You marry him.

What's a good way to keep a man interested? Wear perfume that smells
like beer.

Why does a man have a hole and the tip of his penis? To allow the oxygen
to flow to his brain.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
 
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then, men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask
for directions.

Why won't a man ask for directions?
Because he doesn't know he is lost.

This woman had a man that was such an animal that when he went to the
zoo, he had to buy two tickets. One to get in and one to get out.

The husband came home after his annual physical and told his wife the
doctor need a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen sample.
"That's easy," said the wife. "Just give him a pair of your underwear."

Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.

If they can send one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?

 Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell that, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around, nervously, but
it was all empty and quiet. 
 "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried
a little louder, but still no answer. 
 Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled, 
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" 
 Then she heard a voice from far, far away, "Hello! We're down
here..."

The problem with men is that they spend too much time thinking with the
wrong head.

What is the difference between a husband and a boy-friend? Forty-five
minutes.

How do you keep a man from drowning? Take your foot of his head.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not"
shows. They had a man that was born with both a penis and a brain.

What are two reason why men don't mind their own business? 1) No mind.
2) No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name
basis with the person who makes all of their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy, but wearable."

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A woman would
never accept a 3 ½ inch floppy.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Four - one to actually
change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
Or, five - one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the
emergency room. Or, one - men will screw just about anything. Or,
ten - one to change it and 9 to say...nah, don't do it like that.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows. It's never happened.

Did you hear about the wife that sued her husband's parents for child
support?

How do you know when a man's about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with "A woman once told me..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your husband is yelling
 at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course - at least he'll shut up after you let him in!


A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,
showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average
only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say. He said, "What?"


 
Boyfriends are like cockroaches - they hang around the kitchen and
 it's hard to get rid of them.

Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

Men are like linoleum - if you lay it right the first time, you can
 walk all over it forever!

Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent
 - but they make great pets.

Husbands like lawn mowers - they're hard to get started, emit
 foul odors, and don't work half the time.

Sleeping with a man like a soap opera - just when it's getting
 interesting, they're finished until next time.

Men like noodles - they are always in hot water, they lack
 taste and they need dough.

Men are like Miller Lite - they taste good, but aren't very filling.

Men are like commercials - you can't believe a word either one of
 them say and they both last about 60 seconds.

Men are like parking places - the good ones are taken and the ones
 left are handicapped.

Men are like snowstorms - you don't know when they're coming,
 how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like laxatives - they irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like microwave popcorn - they're done in 30 seconds.

An ex-husband is like an inflamed appendix - It caused you a lot of
 pain, and after it was removed, you found out you didn't need it anyway.

Men are like nylons - when you need them, they run.

Men are like paper cups - both are dispensable.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.

Men are like guns - keep one around long enough and you're
 going to want to shoot it.

Men are like department stores - their clothes should always
 be half-off.

Men are like vacations - they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers - hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers - load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like coffee - the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep
 you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes - they always tell you what to do and
 are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers - they spend most of their lives in a
 hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like floor tile - lay them right the first time, and you
 can walk all over them.

Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth, and they usually head
 right for your hips.

Men are like chocolates - they never last long enough and
 they always leave stains whenever they get hot.

Men are like department stores - their clothes should always be half off.



"I'm going fishing" really means
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with
a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing" really means
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" really means
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain" really means
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately" really means
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late" really means
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard" really means
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love" really means
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me" really means
"You want me to stay awake."

"That's women's work" really means
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is" really means
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" really means
"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."

"I do help around the house" really means
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" really means
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it" really means
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" really means
"What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you" really means
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."

"I missed you" really means
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of
toilet paper."

"We share the housework" really means
"I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious" really means
"You're cutting into the time I spend with my Jeep."

"I don't need to read the instructions" really means
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."



Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men 

Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.
Beer stains don't smell funny the next day.
Beer goes where you want it to.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you
try on shoes at the mall.
Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.
When your beer won't get a head up, you can toss it out.
Beer doesn't stand there tapping it wristwatch.
No woman ever got stood up by a beer.
A beer doesn't start a fistfight with an ale.
Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when you made
the wrong choice.
Beer doesn't get drunk and call you at 3 am to beg.
You don't need a restraining order with bad beer.
I've never met a beer with a criminal record.
Beer labels come off when you want them to.
When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying
about that tan line on his ring finger.
You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom and
she won't mind.
Beer never has a bad temper.
A beer won't throw you into the back seat of a '76 Datsun and dry
hump you under a mercury vapor lamp.
A beer won't toss you in the passenger seat of a Mazda RX7 and
show you it can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.
A beer doesn't bring strange people home with it.
It's easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.
You don't have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.
You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.
You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it
getting pissed off.
You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.
No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.
Beer doesn't dis' you because you are a babe.
A beer won't shove its hand up your dress at your graduation
party.
You don't have to fake it for a beer; beer has no ego.
A cold beer is a good beer.
Beer tastes good.
Beer doesn't leave you. It snuggles around your hips for a
lifetime.
A beer doesn't hate your cat.
You can get six at once without taxing yourself.
A beer doesn't mind if you don't finish.
A beer won't leave the lid up.


Why Cats Are Better Than Men

Cats keep their opinions to themselves.
Cats don't criticize your mother.
Cats never question how much you're eating.
Cats never claim they know how to fix large appliances.
Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep.
Cats are happy to let you drive.
Cats always look good first thing in the morning.
One good purr can be worth a thousand words.
Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut.
Cats love it when you go shopping.
Cats never return the gifts you get them.
Cats are able to keep the romance alive.



 ___  __  __  ___    __    _  _  _  _  ____
/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
\__ \ )(__)(  / /  /(__)\  )  (  )  (  )__)  
(___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/