You might be a redneck if... (not just the canonical list)

Yer mom calls ya over t'help 'cause she has a flat tire...on her house. Your house gets more than eight mpg. Your cousin bought the best house in town and you have to go over to help him take its wheels off. You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't. Your home has more miles on it than your car. You've ever hit a bump on the road and lost half of your worldly possessions. Home repairs include rotating the tires on your trailer. You consider new hub-caps to be a home improvement. Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park. What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece. You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun. You don't know anyone who has less than ten guns. Your bicycle has a gun rack. You've figured out a way to put a gun rack on a bicycle. You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. You just bought an eight-track player to put in your car. Your CB antenna is taller than you are. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck. You refer to the time that you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." You've ever fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment. The tail light covers of your car are made of red tape. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute." Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. When you remove all the empty beer cans from your car, you find it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. On your first date, you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome." You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. People hear your car a long time before they see it. You need a ladder to climb into your four wheel drive. You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running. You buy oil by the case because you have to. You can't tell the difference between the trash pile and the good parts pile in your yard. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. You learned to drive in a monster truck. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parking lot. Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You can correctly answer the question; who built the 429, Ford Or Chevy? You think God only likes Chevy trucks. You know who built the "other" hemi. Your 1994 Lincoln town car is equipped with the 'brush guard, mud flap, and roll bar' option group. The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. Your car stereo costs more than your car. Your truck is taller than your house. The reindeer on your lawn at Christmas are pulling a '57 Ford. and the '57 Ford is on cement blocks instead of wheels. You ever rolled your riding lawn mower. Your riding mower has a bigger engine than your car. You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck. You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children. The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out. One of the options on your truck is a spittoon. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair. How do you tell if you live in an affluent redneck neighborhood? Your neighbor has a Cadillac sitting on cement blocks in his front yard. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. You've ever emptied your pickup by driving backwards really fast and slamming on the brakes. You keep a flyswatter in the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat. It doesn't feel like Christmas without at least one gift with a rotating blade under the tree. You go into a liquor store and come out with all of your Christmas shopping done. You leave moonshine for Santa. Your Christmas decorations can be seen in the next county. You've ever been arrested for trying to shoot down Santa's reindeer. Your Christmas tree is still up in February. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree. The holidays aren't complete unless you go down to the "pen" and visit Momma. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. You've given your wife or girlfriend a Valentine's Day gift with a kick-starter. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on the farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday. You've ever stayed up on the night before Easter with your shotgun, waiting for that rabbit to stop by. You missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. Truckers tell your wife to watch her language. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. You are having marital problems because your wife won't let you win at arm wrestling. Your momma can back down a biker. Your wife uses a photo of Tammy Faye as a makeup application guide. Your grandma dies and wills you season tickets to the WWF. Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. Your wife's best dress is made out of feed-sack material. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. Your wife has more children than teeth. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. Your grandmother stands up to pee. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. Your dead hunting dog has a bigger headstone than your mother. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. You've ever filed a visit to the vet on your health insurance. You've ever claimed your dog as a dependent on your income tax. You've ever named a child after a dog. Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. When you walk your dog, you both use the same tree down on the corner. You took your coon dog on your honeymoon. Your dog sleeps closer to you than your wife does. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid. You bring your dog to work with you. You taught your dog to retrieve beers from the fridge. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. You share your beer with the dog. You drive down the highway with dogs in the back of your pickup. Your dog can smoke a cigarette. Your dog doubles as your dishwasher. You've named your truck, but not your dog. Your 'watch-dogs' are geese. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. Your checks have pictures of dogs fighting. When a dog passes gas, you claim it. When you break wind, your dog passes out. Every time a neighbor's dog disappears, you have a Bar-B-Q. You give away more free puppies than the Human Society. Your family tree doesn't fork. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and Cousin Sue Ellen to walk by. Your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there is a law against it. OJ moves to your town because he heard everyone down there has the same DNA. Your kid calls you "Uncle Daddy". After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz". You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself. The branches on your family tree criss-cross so much that it looks more like a family trellis. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs. You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur. You think blondes are "pretty sharp cookies." You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high quality entertainment. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and 'seductive' tongue gestures. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You consider pork and beans to be gourmet food. You think the mountain men in deliverance were just "misunderstood." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. You think that John Deere green, Ford blue, and primer gray are the three of the primary colors. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. When you take your kid through a car wash, he thinks he's at a theme park. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You think that the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade. You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real. You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition. You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires the second time it won't start. You think the most popular pick-up line is "Nice tooth!" Your idea of a real sport is the tractor pull. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else. You think 4-H stands for horses, hogs, hoe-downs and Harleys. You think country and western are the two kinds of music. You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport. You think paprika is a third-world country. You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped. You think the remote control is your kid brother. You think toilet water is exactly that. You think "x-rays" means an increase in alimony payments. You think a cat-scan has kitty litter in it. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. You think 'Old Yeller' is a movie about your brother's tooth. You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part. You think 'Hamlet' is on the McDonald's breakfast menu. You think that a network is the amount of work left after taxes. You think the Information Super-highway should be paved. You think J. R. Ewing owns the Dallas Cowboys. You think O. J. (Simpson) is a breakfast drink. You think 'loading the dishwasher' means getting your wife drunk. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. You wanted to roast a pig over the Olympic torch. You think Olympic fencing involves barb wire, wooden stakes, and hemming a goat in. You think In Sync is where your dirty dishes are. You think a 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour. You have two cats - one on either side of the fireplace. You own a homemade fur coat. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ol' coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back 'ah Bubba's barn..." There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week." You can talk for more than twenty minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew. Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. The last present you gave your wife came from a taxidermist. There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline. Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest. Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel. Dinner may or may not have tire tracks on it. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. Your church sanctuary has huge pictures of Jesus hunting trophy deer. On stag night, you take a real deer. Two redneck hunters have been stalking for hours in the wood, when they enter a clearing and come upon a beautiful naked woman. One of the hunters asks her, "Are you game?" When she coyly answered that she was, they shot her. A redneck and his friend, Tony, were out hunting ducks when suddenly, a magnificent mallard flew overhead. Shouldering his rifle, Tony blasted it from the sky. "Great shot, huh?" he said. "It sure was," said the redneck, "but you wasted a bullet." "What are you talking about?" "The fall alone would have killed it." Your blue jeans have a big 'O' ring on your back pocket. Redman sends you a Christmas card. Ya have to check in the bottom of yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. You chewed tobacco at your wedding. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest" contest. You can spit without opening your mouth. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You and your wife have matching "His & Hers" tobacco pouches. You spit chewing tobacco in the plants. You've ever financed a tattoo. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have more tattoos than teeth. Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos. You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month. When you see friends, you say "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How y'all doin'?" (if they respond with the same, they're rednecks too!). You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. Your truck was regional finalist in the mud pit event at the Monster Truck Rally but it rained overnight and you couldn't make it out of your driveway. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." You have borrowed gravel from the county toad to fill potholes in your driveway. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. You get mud on your tires when you visit your parents. People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your front lawn. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. The family business needs a lookout. Stealing road signs is a family outing. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You've ever shot someone for looking at you. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen. Your high school annual is now a mug-shot book for the police. There has ever been crime-scene tape of your bathroom door. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You've ever stolen toilet paper. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. The game warden knows the serial numbers of your guns by heart. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up; police!" The last photos of your momma were taken from the front and the side. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You list your parole officer as a reference. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a phone. You retire, only to get a better job as a janitor. You don't need a clean shirt to go to work. You call your boss "Buddy" or "Dude" on a regular basis. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You took a beer to your last job interview. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You work without a shirt on, and so does your husband. Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. Birds are attracted to your beard. You clean your fingernails with a stick. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you. You pick your teeth from a catalog. Someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. The sewage department reminds you when its time to wash your hair. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You have grease under your toenails. You comb the hair that sticks out of your nostrils. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You've used your castrating knife to slice an apple. Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick. You cut your toenails in front of company. The pigs try to keep up wind of you. You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth. When Sears eliminated their catalog, you were forced to start buying toilet paper. You can eat a whole bag of black licorice and your teeth don't look any different than usual. Your toothpaste has been used by more than one generation. You can't remember the last time you shaved. You can't remember the last time your wife shaved, either. You brag to your friends you're on the 100th shave with the same blade. Oil has been struck in your pillow. You get your oil changed by your barber. 'Hygiene' is a greeting. You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house. You have grease under your toenails. You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned. You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception. You feel a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies. You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts. What is two miles long and has two teeth? An unemployment line in West Virginia. What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth. People think you're having a yard sale....and you're not. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline. You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the driveway when you come home. Your backyard catches on fire and CNN reports a "Major Tire Fire." Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You have more appliances in the yard than in the house. Your yard has ever been the site of a proposed landfill. The Orkin man tells you "give up; you've lost." You mow your lawn with a tractor. You have old tires shaped into the Olympic rings in your front yard. Your lawn is thicker than the Amazon Jungle. Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture. You come back from the dump with more than you took to it. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. The cockroaches left you a note saying, "clean this place up!" You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. You've ever used a weed-eater indoors. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. You have used a tractor front end-loader as scaffolding for roof repairs. You used a chain saw to remodel your house. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You like your velvet picture of Elvis better than anything you saw at an art show or museum. You repair your house with duct tape. After the creek floods your house, your wife wants new carpeting, and you say, "Why? It just got cleaned!" You clean the inside of your house with a water hose. There's graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own home. You have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table. There is a wasp nest in your living room. Your screen door has no screen. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery. You converted your carport into a beauty shop. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. There is a wasp nest in your living room. You've repaired your Styrofoam ice chest with duct tape, more than once. If it ain't broke, it ain't yours. Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You." You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind." The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.' You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work. An episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado was like. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to alien abduction. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. You've ever watched an entire infomercial and said, "Heck, yeah, I'm gonna get me one of them." You've ever asked for money tree seeds at your local feed store. Ya celebrate Groundhog Day 'cause ya believe in it. You own a waffle house credit card. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm. You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people." A man asks you to dance and you take off your clothes and climb on a table. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. You time a trip by how many beers you can drink. There are enough empty beer cans in your truck that if you turned them all in, you could buy another six-pack. You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking when it gets light. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Your parents have ever said to you, "Eat your beans or else you ain't getting any beer." Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church, you 'bring your own.' You work without a shirt on, and so does your husband. Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking bottles of Bud. The passenger said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry," says Earl. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads and toss the bottles under the seat." "What's that fer?" whined Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin'," says Earl. They finished their beers, stuck the label on their head and tossed the bottles under the seat. When they reached the roadblock, the police pulled them over and asked, "You boys been drinkin?" "No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch." You've ever worn shorts to a funeral. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them. Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it. During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off. When someone asks to see your ID, you show them your belt buckle. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. Signs that say "Say No To Crack!" remind you to pull up your jeans. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. Each man in the family owns less than three shirts. Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat. Your watch band is wider than any book you've ever read. You've ever worn hunting camo on a date. You have 'dress' boots. You have to take off your belt buckle to get through the metal detector at the airport. Your belt buckle is bigger than your head. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your wading boots double as dress pants. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can fit in the truck. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. You have to duct tape your gloves on. You've ever worn hunter's orange to church. Flannel is your favorite color. Looking at you reminds people of reruns of Hee Haw. You've ever worn a strapless dress with a bra that isn't. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You don't get out much - mainly because of that no shirt, no shoes rule. You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back, and they don't want it. People are afraid to touch your bathrobe. You can take your bra off while driving. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. You've ever made change in the offering plate. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. Your mother has ever run out of the bathroom and said, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!" More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shit Head?" You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message: "for a good time, call..." because you feel guilty about putting it there. You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken. You're considered an expert on worm beds. Motel 6 turns off their lights when they see you coming. You've ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. You've ever used lard in bed. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Your prom had a day-care. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You drove yourself to elementary school. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have ever yelled, "rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital. You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You were shooting pool when any of your children were born. You can belch and say your name at the same time. You time your belches to achieve a personal best. Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" gag during Christmas dinner. Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!" You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. Your kid's favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence." Your favorite restaurant has the word "Eats" anywhere in its name. Someone calls you at the front desk of a hotel and says "I've gotta leak in my sink" and you say "Go ahead." Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the drive-in theater. You own more TV's than books. Your household owns thirty books - and ten of them haven't been colored in yet. You believe books are bad luck. You've ever vacationed in a rest area. You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You refer to people outside your county as "them foreigners". You can't afford to pay your house bills, your insurance bills, your automobile loan or your alimony but you sure can afford season tickets to all the college football games and Nascar events. You are the 437th person to request "moonme" on your vanity license plate. You have used baling wire to attach a license plate. You don't like those 'new-fangled' people. You drove to elementary school. You eat 'chitlins,' 'grits,' or frank-and-beans frequently. Grandma's beans or chili has been declared a hazardous substance. You have been knocked out twice by your own electric fence. You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You ever heckled during a eulogy. You ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins. You ruined all your son's CD's with the needle of your stereo turntable. You shop for groceries at a gas station. You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sun roof. You weigh four pounds more after you find your keys. You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it. Your flashlight holds more than four batteries. Your great-great-great-grandma still lives and is 83 years old. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You flatten empty beer cans so the baby will have new toys to play with. Your masseuse uses lard. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". You use the 'O' on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again. Every time you see a road sign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket. You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart. You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed." Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark. You hang toilet paper on the clotheslines to dry. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks. You drive more than five miles to engage in a spitting contest. In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!" You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest. Your lips move while reading a stop sign. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee. The local airport drops a load of fertilizer on final approach. You've ever used coolers and grocery bags for luggage. When your family gets together, there's an empty K-Mart somewhere. Your aunt Betty was the winner of your family's peeing for distance contest. Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit. You've ever used a barstool for a walker. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. You've ever fished in your swimming pool. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure. There is an electronic singing fish in more than 3 rooms of your home. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle. You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed. Your first love also won a blue ribbon at the county fair. You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction. The smell of catfish bait makes you feel romantic. You think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when your cousin walks out to the barn. Cowboy approaches Rancher sitting on porch with his dog... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the rain." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher:(stunned and stuttering, and hardly able to talk) "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars!" You might be a redneck if your mother-in-law kicks you out of bed because you beat the sh*t out of Jeff Foxworthy for telling redneck jokes. Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson." The bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop." You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. You ever refer to your computer as "Ol' Bessy." Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal. You start all your e-mail with the words, "Howdy y'all". You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com". If you connect to the WWW via a "Down Home Page". If your computer is worth more than all of your cars combined. The sound-byte played when you power on is that of sheep and zippers You try to set your printer on 'kill' to avoid buying shotgun shells. The sound of your beeper has ever scared away a deer you had in the sights of your gun. Your spouse pages you to remind you to bring home a case of beer and a box of shotgun shells. Your fax cover sheets make any mention of the word, "livestock". ASCII, TCP/IP, and DOS pretty much cover your knowledge of the alphabet. You've ever given a cellular phone AND a pig as a wedding present. You've ever tried to combine a Mr. Coffee with your still. Your computer desk has a special place for the spit can. You think that an Ethernet is something used to catch the Etherbunny. Your idea of "Web-TV" is the spiders hanging off the rabbit ears. Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive. Your car sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors. Your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon". Two rednecks meet on a road. One has a burlap bag thrown over his shoulder. "Hey Billy-Bob, what ya git in tha' sack?" Rufus asked. "Chickens," Billy-Bob said. "If'n I guess how many, can I have one?" asked Rufus. "If you can do that, you can have em both," Billy-Bob replied. "O.K. You got five of em," Rufus said. What do you call a redneck Satan? A Beezelbubba! How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it was made in any other state it would be called the teethbrush. What do you call a redneck on a trampoline? A hick-up. What do you get when you pull the trampoline out from under a prostitute, while she's up in the air? A ho-down. A redneck by the name of Ol' Jed, Was horny as he lay in his bed; His old wife said no, As he slipped it in slow, So he turned over and did his mother instead. Two Alabama state troopers were chasing a car which was heading toward the Georgia state line at a high rate of speed. Just as the bad guys reached the Georgia state line, their car ran out of gas. So they jumped out, ran across into Georgia, and just started walking down the highway. The Alabama State Patrol car came to a screeching halt at the state line. One of the two troopers exclaimed, "Darn it! We'll never catch 'em now - they done got an hour's lead on us!" A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5, 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times." A woman is driving down a country road in the nighttime when her car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She asks the farmer if she could spend the night there. "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons, Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men in their twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So, she went into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." Two rednecks decide it is time to make something of themselves, so they decide to go back to school. The first one goes in to see the interviewer. Interviewer: You'll have to take several courses including math, history, and logic. Redneck: Math and history I heard of, but what's logic? Inter: I'll give you an example. Do you own a weedeater? Red: Yep. Inter: Well, then logic tells me that you probably have a yard. Red: I do have a yard. Inter: Well, if you have a yard, logic tells me you probably have a house. Red: You're right, I do have a house. Inter: Again, if you have a house, logic tells me that you probably have a wife. Red: I do have a wife. How'd you know that? Inter: And now, if you have a wife, logic would tell me that you are heterosexual. Red: Amazin.' I am heterosexual. This logic stuff is incredible. I gotta tell my buddy about this. So, the redneck goes out and tells his friend that he is all signed up for school and is taking math, history, and logic. Friend: Logic, what's dat? Red: Well, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weedeater? Friend: No. Red: You're gay, ain't ya?

Your Starship Captain might be a redneck if...

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month. He paints flames and puts a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob". He refers to Klingons as "Critters". He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns". He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil. He installs a set of bull horns on the front of the saucer section. He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies." He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it. He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage." He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser. He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba". He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "BassMaster". He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens. He paints the starship John Deere green. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special". His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls. His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies. He sets phaser to "Cajun".

You might be a Star Wars redneck if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever told your R-2 unit to use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light. You've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel, 'cause he looks a little sissy in that vest. You've ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. You've ever fallen in love with your sister. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees." You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."

Redneck Computer Lingo

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern Bit- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." Byte - First word in a kiss-off phrase or whut them dang flys do Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited Diskette - Female disco dancer Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking Hard copy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year Terminal - Time to call the undertaker Windows - Place in the truck to hang your guns Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions Reboot - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff Network - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line LAN - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." Cursor - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend Digital control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote Packet - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip Log on - Making the wood stove hotter Log off - Don't add no more wood Download - Gettin' the farwood offn the pickup Megahertz - When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded Floppydisk - Whatcha git from tryin' to carry to much farwood RAM - That thar thang whut split the farwood ROM - Delicious when you mix it with Coca Cola Prompt - Whut th mail ain't in the winter taim Screen - Whut to shut when it's black fly season Microchip - Whut's left in the munchie bag Infrared - Whur the leftover munchies go; Fred eats 'em Laptop - Whur the kitty sleeps Software - Them dang plastik forks and knives Mainframe - Holds up the barn ruf Port - Fancy flatlander wine Enter - Northern 'fer c'mon in y'all

Redneck sayings

That there bacon comes with the biscuits and gravy? Look - they got a picture of Elvis on the back of the sh*tter! Junior, you ready for the daily rat-shoot? That's the biggest raccoon I ever done seen! Whoo hoo! Pork and beans again. Excuse me, officer, you been doin some drinkin'? Spam's on sale again, honey! Pass me that there tattoo gun, Jake. Wrestling's on again! That there old water heater is gonna make the perfect belt buckle! Ya mean ta tell me the blocks come with the truck? Get yer pappy a nice glass of moonshine fer his dinner. Of course, sir, the passenger seat gun rack comes standard on every model. Lookie here - free shirts and they already got the holes. There ain't even no lock on this here junkyard. These all mesh hats are the best thing ever done happened to me. Well, ya see, the kids tend to take care of themselves. Which 24 hour nudie bar we gonna hit tonight, Jed?

Jeff Foxworthy's parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud 11 wrestling tickets tin of Copenhagen 9 years probation 8.....table dancers 7 packs of Redman 6 ...cans of Spam 5 flannel shirts 4 Big O tires 3 shotgun shells 2 huntin' dogs And some part to a Mustang GT

You've joined a redneck HMO if...

The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's. Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. The only proctologist lists his address as Roto-rooter. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill. Preventive Care Coverage includes 'an apple a day.' Your Prozac comes in colors and has little M's on each pill. The only 100% covered expense is embalming. Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape.

Application to live in Festus, Missouri

Name:________________ Nickname:______________ CB Handle:_____________ Address: (RFD):________________________________________________________ Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________ Momma:_______________________________ Neck Shade: ( ) Light Red ( ) Medium Red ( ) Dark Red Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________ Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________ Truck Equipped with: ( ) Gun Rack ( ) 4-Wheel Drive ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Toothpick Holder ( ) Eight-Track ( ) Load of Wood ( ) Hijacker Shocks ( ) Mud-grip Tires ( ) Big Dog ( ) Raccoon Hide ( ) Dual CB Antenna ( ) Fuzz Buster ( ) Spittoon ( ) Camper Top ( ) Mag Wheels ( ) Air Horns ( ) Mud Flaps Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________ Bumper Stickers: ( ) Eat More Possum ( ) Peanut Butter ( ) Honk if You Love Jesus ( ) Wave if You're Horny ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco Define the following (Must be 90% correct): ( ) Grits ( ) Muscadine ( ) Cobbler ( ) Tater ( ) Goobers ( ) Brogans ( ) Fatback ( ) Pig Skins ( ) Collards ( ) Redeye Gravy ( ) Tote ( ) Pinto Beans ( ) Sidemeat ( ) Sawmill Gravy ( ) Poke ( ) Turnip Salit ( ) Chitlins ( ) Soppin' Syrup ( ) Cracker ( ) Sh*t-on-Shingle ( ) Ramps Favorite Vocalist: ( ) Donna Fargo ( ) Conway Twitty ( ) Loretta Lynn ( ) Hank Williams ( ) Elvis ( ) Slim Whitman ( ) Tammy Wynette ( ) Porter Wagoner ( ) Johnny Cash ( ) Willie Nelson ( ) George Jones ( ) Box Car Willie Favorite Recreation: ( ) Square Dancin' ( ) Possum Huntin' ( ) Skinny Dippin' ( ) Craw Daddin' ( ) Gospel Singin' ( ) 4-Wheelin' ( ) Drinkin' ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Blue Grass Conventions ( ) Spittin' Backy ( ) Other Weapons Owned: ( ) Deer Rifle ( ) Bird Gun ( ) Varmit Rifle ( ) Sawed-off Shotgun ( ) Tire Iron ( ) Pick Handle ( ) Log Chain ( ) Power (chain) saw Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: ( ) Blue Tick ( ) Black & Tan ( ) Beagle Emblem: ( ) John Deere ( ) CAT ( ) Budweiser ( ) McCulloch Chain Saw ( ) PBR ( ) NAPA ( ) Coors ( ) Skoal ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Basagran Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____ Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______ Memberships: ( ) KKK ( ) NRA ( ) Moose ( ) PTL Club ( ) VFW ( ) American Legion ( ) Bass Club ( ) United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______ Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color, Primer Red?______ How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______ How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you keep on your front porch?______ Will you be a part of the Missouri Intelligentsia with a measurable I.Q.?______ Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______ Do you own any shoes? If so, how many? ______ What year did you last purchase shoes? ______ Are you married to any of the following? ( ) Sister ( ) Cousin ( ) Sow Do you know her name? ______ Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______ Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______ Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______ Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______ To 21 with your fly up? ______ Medical Information: Do you have at least 2 of the following: ( ) B.O. ( ) Crabs ( ) Head Lice ( ) Bad Breath ( ) Scabies ( ) Trench Mouth ( ) Runny Nose Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______ Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______ Signature (if any) _____________________________ Fill in as many blanks as you can and mail to: Mayor's Office c/o Tanglefoot Saloon Festus, Missouri 63028

Redneck Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. DINING OUT When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation. THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members. When asked to deliver the eulogy at a funeral, remember to honor the deceased. However, don't brag about his romantic exploits, his ability to hold his liquor, how proficient he was with spray paint, or about the really wild parties he used to have.

Southern Talk to English

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." Y'ALL - noun. A degree of rotation. Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Y'all." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime." HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. HOD - adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.) LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudn't unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" WARSH - verb. To clean. SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten). Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!" GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!" ARN - Noun. Implement for pressing clothes. Usage: Clem, you arn them hogwarshers for church or I'm gonna have to git on you! THODE - Verb. Past tense of throw. PORTS - Noun. Components of a car. FORDYWAIT - Noun. See "all". Usage: Looks like she's done thode a rod. (Hack. Spit.) Lemme send up to Charlotte fer some ports and we'll flusher out with some fordywait. PURDY - Adj. Lovely. COLDRANK - Noun. A chilled beverage. Usage: Annie Sue, you shore is purdy tonight. Less go git us a coldrank down to the fillin' station. OLDTIMER'S - Proper noun. A degenerative brain disease. Usage: My momma's got Oldtimer's disease. She don't even know me no more. FITIFIEDOLLA - Noun. The price of a '54 Chevy. Usage: I bought this '54 Chevy off'n Clem fer fitifiedolla. Soon as I put some tars oner and flusherout with fordywait she'll be right.

A Redneck Kind of Love

We have a love that's meant to be, Ma says that what's called destiny! Oh, I've dated fellers, purdy near a few; But they can't hold a lit up matchstick to you. I'd always dreamed I'd love a sailor, Then I saw you outside my trailer! In your John Deere cap and overalls, I knew for sure in love I'd fall. You smiled and I stared in disbelief, I like a man with no front teeth! Some lovers ask for the sun and moon, But all you want is pa's spittoon. Your love is true, strong as a rock, Kinda like your pickup that sits on blocks. So just let them gossip bees keep buzzin'; Yep, you and me are kissin' cousins!

If Microsoft Was Based Out of Georgia

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw". Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achey-Breaky Heart. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt". Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++". Winders '95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag. Microsoft Word would be just that one word. New Shutdown WAV "Y'all come back now!" Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse. Four words Daisy Dukes Screen Saver. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire... Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator. Microsoft CEO Bubba Gates. Instead of computer golf, the game of choice would be: 1. Interactive WWF Rasslin' (That's wrestling for you culturally deprived types) 2. Beer bottle toss at road signs 3. Mud Boggin' 4. 'Bacca spittin' at insects Instead of MS 'virus scan' it would be MS 'Cooties (Lice) Rinse.' Not 'config.sys' and 'autoexec.bat' - but 'conjugate w/sis' and 'autoparts.bunch.' Instead of error tones mis-struck keys would be met with sound of 'Aww Sheeit.' Solitaire would offer choice of 'number of players.' Icon for mail trashcan shaped like a Dipsey Dumpster. All shapes in Tetris would be same-sized squares. Favorite adult www homepage would involve pictures of 'sexy' farm animals.

A Redneck Goes to The Movies: "Return of the Jet-Guy"

It starts out with Luke the Skywriter goin' to see his little buddy Yodel, who up and kicks the bucket right after Luke shows up. That don't set too well with Luke, and he jumps in his ride and bawls a hide outta there. Then he goes to out to a little honky tonk on the far side of town, where Layla is makin' eyes at Hands-so-Low (must be a Indian name). He was stuck in a big ole hunk of roofin' tar, but she melted it off of him. She could probably melt ice at the north pole, come to think of it. Anyway, they git in a real big fight with Joe-bob the Hut, and Luke up and kills his big ole ugly dog. That really ticks off Joe-bob, so he drags all of 'em out in the desert to toss 'em in a hole. All except Layla, that is. He's got her all decked out in some kinda skimpy outfit, and chained her up. Then Luke, the beepin' little robot, and Princess Layla commence to kick Joe-bob's butt. The prissy gold-plated Tin Man is just whinin' all the time about this and that, and Chews Terbacca starts in howlin.' They dang near fall in the hole, but they finally whipped out the six shooters, and it was a fine fandango for a while. Layla choked Joe-Bob's fat neck with her chain, then they set his place on fire, and hauled tater in one of his cars. They meet up somewhere else with a bunch of Layla's weird friends, and decide to go blow up this big thing called the death star. They split up, some of 'em ride out to the death star, while the rest spy out the base. They go race some space-Harleys through the trees, Layla gets knocked on her butt, and they meet up with about a billion lil' fuzzy Teddy bears with spears. While Layla was out havin' fun ridin' through the trees, Luke went to see his ole man, Darcy Vader. They argued for a while about who was on whose side, and his ole man said he didn't care at all, and dragged Luke's skraggly carcass up to see Sparky, the emperor. This ole bird looked like he had just ate a king-size dill pickle. He didn't have a kind word to say to anybody, and spent a lot of time telling Luke he had done screwed up. As they were havin' it out, Hands-so-low, Chews Terbacca, Layla, and about a billion little teddy bears with spears were out knockin' heads with a big bunch of Sparky's space cops at the base. They kicked their butts real good, then they really showed 'em by blowin' up their still. Then Luke and Darcy got into it with space swords, and Darcy got the worst of it. That really got Sparky ticked, and he commenced to zappin' Luke with lightning over and over. Darcy just stood there watchin' the whole thing, I guess he was thinkin' back to when Luke was a brat and spit up on his new black shiny boots. Anyway, when Sparky said he was really gonna kill Luke, Darcy picked him up and tossed him down a hole, and Sparky musta zapped a gas line, cause he got blowed up. But Sparky had hit Darcy a couple good shots, because he up and died. Luke was cryin' about his dad, and dragged Darcy's big ole dead carcass into a fast ride and got out of dodge just before the whole place blew up. Then he toasted Darcy Viking-style, and he and his friends had a shin-dig that went on all night.

Rules of The South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right. Only the upper class name their boys "Rufus."

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 5. Do not buy food at the movie store. 6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. 9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 10. People walk slower here. 11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 12. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 13. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 14. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 15. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 16. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that the blinker was on when the car was purchased. 17. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 18. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until January. It's back in the closet by February. 19. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 20. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 21. Florida is not technically considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living here. 22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. Either that, or they're Northerner old retired folks who move down here to drive real slow. Greger's Redneck Jokes

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won't fix that. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She's too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? ___ __ __ ___ __ _ _ _ _ ____ / __)( )( )(_ ) /__\ ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook \__ \ )(__)( / / /(__)\ ) ( ) ( )__) (___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/


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