Lawyer Jokes
 (not just a canonical list)

Lawyer's Revenge


 A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a
truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's
side.
 The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and
within minutes, a policeman pulled up.  Before the officer had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before was now completely
ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
 When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic
you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."
 "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
 The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down?  It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
 "My God!" screamed the lawyer.  "Where's my Rolex?"


 A guy walks into a post office and sees a middle-aged, balding man 
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright 
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume 
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
 His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man 
and asks what he is doing.  The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine 
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement. 

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
 the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside. 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? 
A1: A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer miles.
A2: Vultures wait 'til you're dead to rip your heart out.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road? 
Vultures will eat the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of $%!*?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
 defiance.

Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman 
walking towards them. The first lawyer says, "See that woman, boy would
I love to screw her." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
 same service.

What do lawyers have in common with sperm?
Only one in 20 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?
The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure
 out which side to spit on.

The Lawyers' Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What can a goose do, that a duck cannot do, that a lawyer should do?
Stick his bill up his @$%.

A lawyer said to one of his clients, "When I was a kid, I wanted to
be a pirate!" The client said, "Congratulations!"

At a county fair, a musician, a doctor, and a lawyer met at the dog
competition and began to argue over whose dog could perform the best
trick. The crowd which soon gathered urged the three to conduct a
contest to decide the argument. The musician's dog went first. He
masterfully played the piano for five minutes, including selections from
Mozart, Handel, and Beethoven. The crowd cheered his performance, and
the dog was awarded with a biscuit. The doctor's dog then performed a
successful appendectomy on a stray cat. The doctor's dog was also roundly
applauded by the crowd and awarded two biscuits. "Your turn, boy," said
the lawyer, whose dog screwed the other two dogs, took their biscuits,
and went out to lunch.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? 
Skeet.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon
off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young
familes were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting
conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school. 
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. 
"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant." What does your
Daddy do for a living? asked Billy. 
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." 
"Honest?" asked Billy. 
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy. 

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building.
You only have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go
 to a movie? 

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their
 experiments? 
Lawyers are more plentiful than rats, the lab technicians don't get
 as attached to the lawyers, and there are some things a rat just won't do. 

What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in
 laboratory experiments? 
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings. 

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? 
Because deep down, they're really good people. 

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate
 the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? 
Because after they die, they lie still. 

What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 
Your Honor.

What are lawyers good for?
For making used car salesmen look good.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
 before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice. 
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
 after the criminal gets arrested? 
A lawyer. 

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? 
His lips move. 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle. 

Where can you find a good lawyer? 
In the city morgue. 

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford? 

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the
 third to sue the ladder company. 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
 walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
 hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most
 toxic waste dumps? 
New Jersey got first pick. 

 A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They
immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for
the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth,
and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he,
too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the
collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. 
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that
reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they
could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The
snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. 
 After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur,
long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think
that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
 The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to
return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body
for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy,
you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time,
and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!" 

 A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a
neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. 
 Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said,
"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be
liable for the cost of the meat?" 
 The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." 
 A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read, "Legal Consultation Service, $150."

 A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' &$$es." 
 One of the locals spoke up on hearing this "Mister, you'd better watch
what you say. You're in horse country." 

 A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The
physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and
fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the
oldest profession."
 The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and
earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.
Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." 
 Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created
all of the chaos and confusion?" 

 The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange
some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold.
Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four
months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return
is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls
rot in hell for eternity." 
 The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. 

 A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was
approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I
never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice
during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" 
The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. 
 So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The
lawyer also sent one to the doctor. 

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp
new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills
had stuck together - he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma
for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third
question?" 

 A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked
the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last
night," the receptionist answered. 
 "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. 
 The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm
afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." 
 "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. 
 "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated
receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." 
 "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it
often enough." 

 A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After
a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up
behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't
speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. 
 "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. 
 The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'" 

 A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher, "How much for Engineer brain?" 
 "3 dollars an ounce." 
 "How much for Doctor brain?" 
 "4 dollars an ounce." 
 "How much for lawyer brain?" 
 "100 dollars an ounce." 
 "100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?" 
 "Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce
of brains?" 

 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" 
 Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." 
 "That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" 
 Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." 
 "Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 
 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a
house of ill repute." 
 The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and
demanded an explanation. 
 Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain
a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" 

 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked
to donate a shilling. 
 "A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of 'em!" 

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
 You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice. 

 A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers
here?" the man asked. 
 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 
 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

 A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized
bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. 
 "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand
dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man,"
he replies, "but I'll take the rat." 
 The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats
emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking
over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes
another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's
walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people
begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a
trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. 
 No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not
just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the
water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while
he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he
can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he
watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown. 
 Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. 
 "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. 
 "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

 A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
 After much thought and consideration, he finally figured out how to
take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed
his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two
pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the
attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
 Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic
cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh,
that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the
money in the basement."

 A lawyer died and immediately went to hell for his many professional sins.
As the Devil was leading him deeper and deeper into hell, closer and
closer to the hottest fires, he noticed another lawyer making passionate
love to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
 Said the lawyer, "How come I'm going to go down even farther to roast
forever while this lawyer gets his eternal way with that beautiful woman?"
 The Devil turned to him and angrily screamed, "And who are you to
question that woman's punishment?"

 After the 30-year-old lawyer died he screamed at Saint Peter, "How
can you do this to me? A heart attack at my age! I'm only thirty!"
 Replied Saint Peter, "Well, when we looked at your total billable hours,
we figured you had to be at least ninety-five."

 A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before
their wedding, and both were killed.
 In heaven soon afterward, the guy told St. Peter, "My fiance and I
really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is
it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
 St. Peter said, "I'll tell you what - wait five years and if you still
want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." 
 Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They
repeated their request to St. Peter, who told them, "I'm sorry, but
there's a problem. You'll have to wait another five years." 
 After another five years go by, they ask St. Peter again. This time
he answers, "Yes, you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
 The couple got married. However, they soon found that they were not
compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a
thing as divorce in heaven.
 St. Peter gave them a thousand-yard stare, and finally muttered,
"Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have
any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

 NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars.
The touchy part was that only one person could go and it would be a one way
trip, the person not ever returning to Earth. 
 The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted
to be paid for going. 
 "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it
all to my alma mater."
 The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked her the same
question.
 "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my
family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." 
 The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." 
 "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. 
 The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million,
I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The
aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps:
 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this
point being non-negotiable.
 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
applicable state, local and federal statutes.
 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party
of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one
of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
 NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

 A bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man in the world
that it offered $1,000 to anyone who could beat him in one task. The
bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could get a
drop of juice out of it after the bartender was done would win the $1,000.
Many strong people had tried and failed.
 One day, a scrawny man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit. He squeaked, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter
died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the
rind to the man, who to everyone's amazement, squeezed six drops into the
glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, "What do you
do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?"
 "Nope," the man replied.  "I'm an attorney for the IRS."

 A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be
appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. 
 The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner
exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
 Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner
took him to lunch to congratulate him.
 "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" the partner
asked.
 "But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's
lawyer's business card!"


 Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to
a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the
three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants
commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust
us - we're lawyers."
 When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the
three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the
conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one
ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.
 On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration
for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."
 After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip
home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them,
while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants
were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers." 
 When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and
went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got
up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the
accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the
ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

 Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." 
 The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide
this case solely on its merits."

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't
want you to think the operation had been a failure."

 Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a
donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney
in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you
made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime
to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" 
 The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is
blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died
in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
 Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any
of this.
 "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day,
needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against
a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from
the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the
attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good. 
 Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. "Why are you doing
that?" asked the other.
 "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.
 "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the
second said.
 The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion.
I just have to outrun you!"

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question,
"Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question,
intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was
"Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general,
were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them,
"We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely
of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they
know how to charge!"

 A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the
world - nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce
in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through
it. All the others are quite impressed. 
 The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to
smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.
Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of
them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window
and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite
impressed.
 At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and
throws the lawyer through it.

 A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
THUMP and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck
driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would
do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
 He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" 
 "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. 
 "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road.
 Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then, he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed
the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD.
 Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
 "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"



 A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and
behold, a genie appeared.
 "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one
condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make,
every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." 
 The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like
ten million dollars," he announced.
 Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the
man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world
has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. 
 "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
 Instantly, a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just
received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
 "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

 A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession.
The procession had two hearses followed by a man walking a dog. Directly
behind the man was a single-file line of at least two hundred people. 
 Curious, the pedestrian approached the man walking the dog and asked what
was going on. The man with the dog replied that in the first hearse was his
ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that
the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died. 
 The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse whereupon the man with
the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business
partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man with the dog
went on to explain that the other lawyer too had been bitten by the dog,
and had died two days later. 
 The pedestrian pondered this information for a moment the whispered in the
dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?"
 Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "OK by me, fella, but you're
gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else".

Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt? He will attempt to
 jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.


How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers found a penny.

 A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
 "No," the coroner replied.
 The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
 The coroner said, "No."
 "Did you check for breathing?" asked the attorney.
 Again the coroner replied, "No."
 The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not
taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
 The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it
this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all
I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give
it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he
doubted that the man would survive the night. 
 The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man
asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer
stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he
remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in
mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just
thought I'd check out the same way." 

 A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods
section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for
their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge
bears - a male and a female.
 The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town
as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
 The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"
cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The
sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and shot the female.
 "Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
 "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
the Czech was in the male?"

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who
had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its
decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent
a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client
wired back, "Appeal at once!"

 As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that
would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his
clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before
I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I
can try to take it with me."
 All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. 
 While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good
churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The
church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money
he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
 The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I
might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin
either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had
this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford
it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might
be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to
do that."
 The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope
into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

 An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with
"How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series
of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four." 
 The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering
the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great
deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." 
 The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How
much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked
outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening
devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

 A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was
destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
 "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here because my
house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything." 
 The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? 
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? 
An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? 
From chasing parked ambulances. 

What did the lawyer name his daughter? 
Sue. 
And his son?
Bill.

What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his
own pockets. 

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding
who has hired the better lawyer. 

I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
 thinks he can get me five. 

From a lawyer:
"I never met a lawyer half as crooked as his client wanted him to be."

 ___  __  __  ___    __    _  _  _  _  ____
/ __)(  )(  )(_  )  /__\  ( \( )( \( )( ___) Suzanne Cook
\__ \ )(__)(  / /  /(__)\  )  (  )  (  )__)  
(___/(______)(___)(__)(__)(_)\_)(_)\_)(____) http://www.cs.utah.edu/~scook/