What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better

Why are men like laxatives?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

Husband:I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife:You wear briefs, don't you?

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

How do you keep a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

I went to the county fair. They had one of those "Believe it or Not?" shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on first-name basis with the person who makes all the decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What's a mans view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable."

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why do men have larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in, they can still get a floppy in.

What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis?
A man.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag about how he screwed it.

How many men does it take to replace a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows....It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man chase women he has no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it gets interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can understand them.