My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
- George Dennison Prentice
I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.
- Shelley Winters
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Robert Orben
If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- PG Wodehouse
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
- Gore Vidal
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- Robert McCloskey
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
- George Bernard Shaw
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.
- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
- King Edward VIII
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas A. Edison
An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.
- Robert A. Humphrey
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
- Paula Poundstone
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
- Shirley Temple
The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law.
- Alex Levin
It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
- Arthur C. Clarke
A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
- Thomas Mann
Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
- Al Boliska
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
- Max Beerbohm
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- John Lehman
Equations are the devil's sentences.
- Stephen Colbert
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
- Henry Adams
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
- WC Fields
Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.
- Sidney J. Harris
Recursion: If you still don't get it, See: Recursion.
- Unknown
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
- Bob Hope
It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Jerome K. Jerome
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
- HL Mencken
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
- Casey Stengel
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
- Ronald Reagan
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
- Unknown
Only fools are positive.
- Moe Howard
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
- Jean Kerr
'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
- Leslie Nielsen
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
- Robert Frost
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
- Dan Rather
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
- Willis Player
Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.
- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can.
- Cullen Hightower
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
- Unknown
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- HL Mencken
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand
- Kurt Vonnegut
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
- Alan Turing
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
- Virginia Woolf
A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
- Unknown
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
- Robert Byrne
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".
- Lyndon B. Johnson
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
- David Frost
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
- Bill Nye
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
- Charles Lamb
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
- Michael Pritchard
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
- Nancy Astor
Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
- Cullen Hightower
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
- Dick Cavett
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
- Lily Tomlin
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Steven Wright
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- Alan Kay
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality.
- George Santayana
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
- Oscar Wilde
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- HL Mencken
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
- Samuel Butler
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
- Martin Mull
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
- Dave Barry
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
- George Bush
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
- Jane Wagner
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
- Jim Morrison
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
He was one of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing a pamphlet.
- Benjamin Disraeli
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
- Georges Clemenceau
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- Ronald Reagan
There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry.
- Martin Gardner
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
- Will Rogers
He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
- Unknown
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
- Eugene McCarthy
All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
- Bobby Knight
"Friendly fire - isn't."
- Unknown
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S Truman
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
- Benjamin Disraeli
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
- Jackie Mason
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
- GK Chesterton
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
- Dick Cavett
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
- Ronald Reagan
I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
- Georges Duhamel
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
- Anonymous
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- Larry Gelbart
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
- HL Mencken
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx
The world is my lobster.
- Henry J. Tillman
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
- Mark Twain
For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who don't want to learn--much.
- WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
- Carl Sagan
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
- Wilson Mizner
In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.
- Johann von Neumann
How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.
- Benjamin Disraeli
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
- Aaron McGruder
If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.
- Sir Francis Bacon
When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- CP Snow
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
- William S. Burroughs
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!
- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
- HL Mencken
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
- Jose Simon
Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.
- Scott Adams
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
- Mark Twain
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
- David Friedman
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
- Scooter?
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
- Marshall McLuhan
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
- Harry S Truman
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- John Benfield
There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
- Robert Byrne
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
- Joe Ancis
The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.
- George Orwell
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal
The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
- Albert Einstein
There are grammatical errors even in his silence.
- Stanislaw J. Lec
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
- Abraham Lincoln
No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit.
- Sir Frederick G. Banting
A witty saying proves nothing.
- Voltaire
Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.
- Evan Esar
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
- Robert X. Cringely
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
- Andre Gide
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.
- Arthur Honegger
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
- Blake Clark
A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.
- Joseph Roux
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
- Oscar Wilde
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.
- GK Chesterton
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
- Mae West
Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
- Sir Julian Huxley
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
- Michael Pritchard
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
- Farmers' Almanac
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
- Abraham Lincoln
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
- Andy Gibb
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
- Albert Einstein
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
- Dorothy Parker
To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent.
- Berton Averre
It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
- W. Somerset Maugham
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
- William Feather
The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.
- James Baldwin
People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
- Lee Iacocca
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.
- Peter McArthur
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
- Thomas Carlyle
Virtue is its own punishment.
- Aneurin Bevan
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
- Kin Hubbard
The love of truth lies at the root of much humor.
- Robertson Davies
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
- PJ O'Rourke
There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
- Sir Francis Bacon
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
- Albert Einstein
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
- Dana Carvey
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
- George Santayana
I'm a born-again atheist.
- Gore Vidal
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
- Oscar Wilde
Do I contradict myself?/ Very well then I contradict myself,/ (I am large, I contain multitudes.)
- Walt Whitman
Reality is something you rise above.
- Liza Minnelli
The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
- Stephen King
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
- Evan Esar
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
- WC Fields
We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.
- Bill Vaughan
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- Abraham Lincoln
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
- Samuel Butler
It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.
- Martin Luther King Jr.
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.
- Mark Ardis
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
- Willie Tyler
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
- Emily Dickinson
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
- Voltaire
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- HL Mencken
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.
- Bertrand Russell
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
- Sean O'Casey
A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought.
- Dorothy L. Sayers
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- Laurence J. Peter
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
- Stephen Hawking
If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
- Bill Watterson
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
- Gustave Flaubert
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
- Wilson Mizner
Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
- Carl Sandburg
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
- Leo Tolstoy
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.
- Richard M. Nixon
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
- Tom Stoppard
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
- John C. Dvorak
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
- Cullen Hightower
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- Mogens Jallberg
This is like deja vu all over again.
- Yogi Berra
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Peter De Vries
When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right.
- Albert Guinon
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
- Arnold Toynbee
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
- Oscar Levant
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Sir Winston Churchill
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
It was beautiful and simple, as truly great swindles are.
- O. Henry
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- Woody Allen
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
- Johnny Carson
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
- Mark Twain
Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.
- Randy K. Milholland
Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.
- Friedrich von Schiller
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Philip K. Dick
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
- David Letterman
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.
- Robert Copeland
I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.
- Bethania McKenstry
Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
- David T. Wolf
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
- Ashley Montague
There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
- Douglas Adams
The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
- Noel Coward
There must be more to life than having everything.
- Maurice Sendak
History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.
- Leonard Louis Levinson
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
- William G. McAdoo
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
- Dame Edna Everage
Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.
- Samuel Johnson
Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.
- Thomas Szasz
It's never just a game when you're winning.
- George Carlin
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
- Clarence Darrow
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
- Carl Zwanzig
I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave.
- EM Forster
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
- Ted Turner
Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
- Mickey Friedman
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handey
He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
- Lily Tomlin
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
- Bertrand Russell
All phone calls are obscene.
- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
- Ronnie Shakes
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
- Edward Gibbon
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
- Henry Allen
It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.
- Malcolm Forbes
What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
- Hansell B. Duckett
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
- Nikita Khrushchev
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
- Stephen Colbert
The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.
- Martin Mull
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
- Margaret Millar
Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
- Evan Esar
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
- Claud Cockburn
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
- Yogi Berra
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
- Leon Trotsky
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view.
- Lillian Hellman
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Dave Barry
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.
- Peter De Vries
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
- Fran Lebowitz
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
- Ambrose Bierce
Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell
The best way out is always through.
- Robert Frost
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.
- Robin Morgan
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
- Mark Twain
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
- William Gibson
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.
- Joe Martin
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
- Ronald Reagan
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
- Thomas A. Edison
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Thomas Jones
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
- James Thurber
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- Saki
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
- Paul Valery
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen
It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
- Andrew W. Mathis
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
- Aristotle
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
- Robert Frost
As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use.
- William James
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
- Oscar Wilde
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
- HL Mencken
Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
- Lester B. Pearson
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
- Anonymous
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
- Segal's Law
Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.
- Robert W. Sarnoff
I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
- Marlene Dietrich
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- David Letterman
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
- James Thurber
The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing.
- Henry S. Haskins
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
- Nancy Astor
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
- Douglas Adams
Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.
- Robin Williams
The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.
- Sir Winston Churchill
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
- Unknown
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- Gerald R. Ford
In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.
- Bertrand Russell
The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
- Nicholas Butler
Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
- Jules Renard
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
- Arthur C. Clarke
You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
- Cecil Baxter
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- Errol Flynn
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
- Dudley Moore
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
- HL Mencken
No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar.
- Donald Foster
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
- Anonymous
No man ever listened himself out of a job.
- Calvin Coolidge
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
- Mark Twain
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan
Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition was belief in facts.
- John Gunther
For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
- Richard Feynman
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
- Robert Graves
To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.
- George Santayana
I like life. It's something to do.
- Ronnie Shakes
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
- Robert Heinlein
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
- Lily Tomlin
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
- AJ Liebling
One of the indictments of civilizations is that happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the same person.
- William Feather
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
The future is much like the present, only longer.
- Dan Quisenberry
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
- PJ O'Rourke
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
- Dan Rather
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
- Bill Hoest
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
- Robert R. Coveyou
Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Bob Edwards
Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
- Samuel Johnson
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
Adventure is just bad planning.
- Roald Amundsen
I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better.
- Kevin Rose
Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
- Thomas H. Huxley
Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can’t be taken on its own merits.
- Dan Barker
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death.
- Joan D. Vinge
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
- Scott Adams
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
- Kilgore Trout
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
- John Adams
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
- Tom Lehrer
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
- George Orwell
If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.
- G. K. Chesterton
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- Galileo Galilei
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles M. Schulz
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
- George Bernard Shaw
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
- Rita Rudner
Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.
- James Russell Lowell
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
- Anonymous
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
- Buck Henry
To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
- Albert Einstein
Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
- E. B. White
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
- Will Rogers
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
- Sir William Bragg
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handey
I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.
- Wernher von Braun
To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner
Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
- Laurence J. Peter
Things are only impossible until they're not.
- Jean-Luc Picard
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Lynda Barry
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Noel Coward